How to Impress New Friends


Hello friends, George R. Bruce again, coming to you from the mysterious past of last week. As some of you may know there is a week-or-two gap between the time of my writing and when your eyes receive my messages; just enough time for me to flee the country and see how the column goes over. If I am not being burned in effigy in your streets, I return and resume my day to day tasks here, such as my continuing mission to rid the country of snakes, most of whom were sent here by Saint Patrick and his teleportation device. Writing from the past also allows me to remind you of all the hilarious styles we found appealing a week ago but are now outdated and tacky, because  entertainment   news  told us so.

Through my many years on this planet, and my brief voyages to others, I have observed that all of these fleeting styles and fads are adopted by people with the sole purpose of pleasing others and perhaps making new friends. It is for this reason that I have taken it upon myself to write an all-you-need-to-know, step-by-step guide to making friends and earning respect. The benefit of my system over others is that mine involves very little of that “just being yourself” nonsense. Also, comparatively little hypnotism (though still a significant amount).

Step 1, Firm Handshake: First impressions are everything, so make sure you take this seriously. When approaching someone for the first time, greet them with a firm, sincere handshake. I’m talking really squeeze that thing. Don’t stop until their hand becomes pale and numb, or a medical professional advises you to stop. Consider purchasing a set of mechanical claws to make this process more efficient. Also, remember to never break eye contact during this introduction; if you look away for even an instant it becomes clear to the other person that you are not the alpha of the group, losing you respect that no amount of mechanical appendages can regain.

Step 2, Describing Yourself: Although perhaps the most important step, this is where the majority of people go wrong. The error occurs the instant you become honest. Nobody wants to listen to a story about a normal job or family or car. That is why we go to movies, read books, or have secret second marriages. Instead, tell your new acquaintance that you are an astronaut or an inventor of exciting new diseases, your family is the pack of wolves you were raised by, and while you don’t own a vehicle, you have mastered the ability to move space around you with your mind (read my how-to in an upcoming article).

Step 3, Facial Hair: Nothing impresses a new friend like a festive mustache. However, don’t just grow any old thing; make it your own, invent a new style, bedazzle it, hang your medals or trophies from it, give it a name (sorry, Charlie’s taken). And ladies, don’t think you’re being left out of the fun. Nothing livens up a Tupperware party like showing off your new mutton-chops (false ones are acceptable, but considered rude in some circles).

Step 4, Hypnotism: If all else fails, consider just brainwashing your new pal. In fact, do this anyway just to be safe; the last thing you need is them finding out you’re not really the ambassador to Belarus, or another witness for the prosecution at your inevitable identity theft trial. The easiest way to do this is simply whispering into their ear for several weeks while they’re sleep, preferably in an ancient language.


George R. Bruce

Source by George R. Bruce

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