I met my second wife Marcia in May of 1981 when we were both forty and she encouraged me in my intention to enter Primal Therapy that August. I grew up in Toronto in a neurotic household and thought I had this wonderful happy life. The problem was that my body was always full of tension and I couldn’t smile. I also suffered from headaches since I was four years old. The headaches turned into migraines after I returned to Toronto from a PhD in Israel in 1969.
I define neurosis as not being the person that I was meant to be because I was seeking love and approval from a set of parents who were either incapable of giving it to me or had no interest in doing so. The Fifth Commandment in the Hebrew Bible Torah states, “Honor your mother and father so that you shall long endure on the land.” That I have faithfully done. My father passed in 1988 and my mother just last year at age ninety-one. The commandment doesn’t say you have to love your parents but I do because I have reached a spirituality within myself that has allowed me to forgive and move on with my life. I think the Fifth Commandment therefore means that you honor your parents by being the person you were meant to be by allowing the goodness in your heart to flow outward to others in your earthly life. If you do this, then God will ensure that you long endure on the Land whether it is in this life or in the future Messianic Age afterlife.
In elementary school, and then in high school, I realized that I was blessed with intelligence, and I thought that by being a good student, as well as a goodie-two-shoes, my parents would love me. I guess they did in their own way. However my mother was too occupied with herself to show an interest in me, and my father was more tuned into sports than academics as he tried to relive his childhood. My parents didn’t realize that I was a sensitive repressed child that grew up in a household with fear. They never knew that I was afraid of them, and I never therefore expressed myself. There were the usual superficial topics of conversation but there was nothing deep that was ever discussed in my family. To my parents, your appearance mattered more than the kind of person you were inside. They really never knew who I was and became. It’s all very sad. Yet, the saving grace is that my children know so much more about me and who I am as a feeling person, because I became a writer of the arts in my golden years and wrote my memoir.
Just prior to meeting Marcia, I met a woman named Lucille at a house party. At the time I had been separated six months from my first wife, and a singles male friend of mine, Angelo, had invited me to a party on Eastern Long Island. I had never met anyone like Lucille who could tell everything about me the moment we began speaking to each other. When I asked her how this was possible, she uttered two words, “Primal Therapy.” Being an academic professor at Stony Brook University and a research scientist, I knew little about psychology and never heard of Primal Therapy. For a short time, Lucille and I became romantically involved and one night while lying on my mattress in my summer cottage in Poquott, Long island, I spontaneously spoke out the words, “My mother doesn’t love me.” Lucille tried to reassure me that my mother loved me, but I knew and she knew that what I believed about my having great parents and having a great childhood wasn’t true. It was at that exact moment that I knew that I would follow Lucille’s advice and see her therapist, Tracee, in Manhattan.
Marcia came into New York with me a couple of times while I was undergoing my initial three week period in Primal Therapy with Tracee. It was during this period that I cried for the very first time at age forty. I continued with Tracee as a patient driving in or taking the train in from Long Island to Manhattan. Some sessions left me wanting but there were others that made me feel so good after I left. I began to remember specific incidents in childhood that brought up feelings of anger, rage, fear, panic, hurt and need. Each time I went back to these same scenes, different feelings would surface. Tracee was very skillful and gradually, very gradually, I was making the transition to becoming a feeling person who could really feel compassion and empathy for another person. It took years and when Tracee returned to California, I began conducting the therapy on my own. I am still doing the therapy, even to this day, and I now deeply feel the hurts and needs of the past.
I also had therapy sessions with Tracee over the phone, and in one conversation I went from a scene in my childhood to the womb swimming or floating in the amniotic sac. Tracee told me that because I was happy in my present life with Marcia in Florida, I was able to deeply feel. It wasn’t long after that when I experienced a multitude of these first line feelings in the womb. Somehow, I had regressed from my childhood directly into the womb, but I had missed the feelings associated with being an infant. As a fetus you have sensations but you can’t express these feelings in words. However, they are there nevertheless. The same is true for being an infant although once you are born, you can cry which is what I did as the feelings came on between birth and three years old. When you are in the womb, your body feels all the physical sensations, such as being crushed with pain or gasping for breath as you try to make your way out of the birth canal and be born. You even feel yourself slithering out of the womb like a snake, providing you haven’t been drugged too much from your mother’s anesthesia.
The feelings can be so dramatic that your messages of fear and pain from your lower brain are never received by your higher brain. These messages are repressed from connecting; otherwise, you may have died because you could not handle the trauma as a fetus. It’s only when you go back as an adult that you can handle the disastrous nature of those early events. I have described in detail what transpired in a couple of my books, so I’ll be brief here and tell you about some surprises that I discovered through regression in Primal Therapy. Like others who have gone back, I felt the ether-chloroform anesthesia on September 10, 1941, the day I was born. I also had thirty separate smoking primal experiences in the womb during which my mother’s smoke inhaled from her cigarettes came directly into my lungs. I felt that I was choking each time from the tobacco smoke.
In several of the regressions, I found myself in the birth room. I remember the figures in the room, the doctor and nurses, staring at me. I wanted to shrivel up and die because that’s what I thought would happen to me before I came out of my mother’s womb. I know I felt very cold and to this day any draft in my back can quickly transform into a nose and throat cold. I remember being picked up by one of the nurses who wrapped me in a blanket. I remember being taken over to this female person [my mother] lying in bed and my mother sticking up her hand in front of her and saying, “Take that ugly baby away from me.” The infant brain is still developing and will not mature until about age eighteen. However it is still complete anatomically and functionally. It is even complete earlier as a fetus brain. Although I could only be dumbfounded at the time and repress my feelings in the surprise of the moment, I still internalized the words of my mother in my brain memory bank. It was only when I went back to the womb years later in Primal Therapy as an adult that I connected to the energy of that moment. There have been cases of fetuses hearing the words of their mother while still in the womb and remembering them years later.
I visited Tracee for a week in California from Florida about ten years ago and when I came back, I went through months of additional feelings in the womb. I would literally be feeling all day. In one of these sessions I found myself in my mother’s womb with another baby. It is not uncommon to have a twin who by natural causes doesn’t survive past the first couple of months. My twin was intentionally murdered with no remorse. We both experienced the suction of an abortion and he (it might have been a she) went to his death. I was following my twin on my way to my own death when I felt a powerful force pushing me in the opposite direction. This miraculous force saved my life. It wasn’t the first time that God intervened in my life with His Divine miracles. I heard God’s Voice twice in 1982 in my Poquott cottage. Then at the beginning of 1999, and subsequently I experienced more of God’s blessings and spiritual providence.
I never thought I would be hypnotically regressing in 201, but when Marcia died in March from liver cancer, I was desperate for a way to connect somehow with her. By June, I was undergoing a past life-spirit world regression with a hypnotist and meeting up with Marcia’s soul in the spirit world.
Past Life-Spirit World Hypnotic Regression
I believed from past experiences that I could not be hypnotized or facilitated to self hypnotize myself. I was looking for a way to somehow reach Marcia after her death, because she had made contact with me in various ways in our home, and as a butterfly at her gravesite. You can read about past lives and the spirit world elsewhere, as in this article I wanted to focus on what happened when I regressed to the womb during the two sessions I had with Jules. I remember how nervous I was approaching Jules’s condo, as he had told me that in twenty percent of the cases the session fails. I thought for sure that I would be one of the failures, because as I had never been hypnotized before.
I was lying on Jules’s recliner covered with a sheet because I am always cold due to my days in the womb, and the fact that my body temperature runs a degree and a half or two below normal. As a consequence of the low body temperature, I don’t generate enough heat in my body. Jules first explained the ground rules so to speak and said that he would take notes, at least part of the time, on what I said during the sessions. The most important principle he stressed was not to analyze or think about what I was seeing, but only to report on what I was observing. This was particularly true when I regressed into a past life, and then died in that past life. At death, my soul left the past life body and traveled almost instantaneously to the spirit world in Heaven. It was in the spirit world that I met up with Marcia’s bodiless soul. Each session lasted four hours in total, although only a small part of each session was devoted to the womb and the birth room.
Jules spent considerable time bringing me into a relaxed state. Then he directed me to the top of a staircase with sixty-nine steps, each step representing a year of my sixty-nine years of life. After waking down fifty-seven steps, we paused on the twelfth step and I entered the house where I lived when I was twelve years old growing up in downtown Toronto. I remembered the house in vivid picturesque detail, and then we returned to the staircase and I traveled down to the seventh step. Now that I’m writing about it, I see myself descending an elegant winding regal staircase. At seven years of age, I remembered my favorite meal of spaghetti and meatballs that my mother made every Sunday. She would make the meatballs small, and would simmer them all day long in the sauce until my father, brother and I devoured them at dinner. I never felt full and could have easily eaten more, but all of the spaghetti and meatballs was eaten and it was only my father that got seconds if there was anything left. I also remember my father’s card games and the tenants in the house.
Now I’m on the fourth step and I’m four years old. I see myself squirming in bed suffering from the pain of the headaches. Then onto being a baby when my mother is playing with my penis. Then wham! I seem to be floating like I’m dead when I see pictures of a fetus. It’s me. I am rocking back and forth and then I speak loudly, “I hear it.” Jules asks, “Hear what?” “I hear my mother’s heartbeat,” I say. That never happened when I was in the womb during my many Primal Therapy sessions. Then all of a sudden, I’m being propelled toward my twin during the abortion. I feel that force again preventing me from being sucked away with my twin, like I did in Primal Therapy. The scene then switches to the birth room where I am born. I feel wrinkled and ugly. My body feels disjointed and twisted and a light above me is blinding my eyes. I’m picked up by someone who wraps me in a blanket and then brings me over to a woman lying in a bed. Again as I heard during my primals, I hear those awful words as my mother’s hand goes up to stop the nurse, “Get that ugly baby away from me.” At that point, I seem to be flying and a man in a funny outfit reaches down for me. I then flip into my first past life and then die and proceed onto the spirit world which you can read about.
In the second four hour hypnosis session, there were some real surprises that were not experienced in Primal Therapy. Jules relaxes me once again and then places me on the staircase. As I get to the bottom of the staircase, I find myself floating as if I’m dead. Then wow! As I’m looking with my eyes open, I see a man who is wearing a white fluffy shirt like a tuxedo shirt. I feel ugly and am suffering with pain. I hear him say, “You’re supposed to suffer.” I wonder why. He then says, “It’s your mission.” I think. What mission? He seems to read my thoughts and says, “You’ll see. I’m your soul Sagittarius.” All of a sudden, to my surprise, we begin to use our hands to play patty-cake inside my mother’s womb. He twirls me round and round. It’s so much fun and we are kind of dancing like in a polka. I feel a kiss on the top of my head and he tells me, “Don’t worry, it will be okay.” He puts his hand on my cheek and repeats his words. He warns me, “We are going on a ride and it will be very difficult and we will move very fast.” Immediately I’m shaking and bouncing and being crushed on all sides. I feel pain in my neck and shoulders. I feel my head being compressed and then someone is pulling at my arms, pulling me out as I’m squirming to get free of the womb. I come into the light and I hear the words, “We made it.” I’m born.
I fall asleep and I seem to be dreaming about an angel. The angel is female and has wings and a white porcelain sweet face. She’s pretty but she is not beautiful. I can see her perfectly right now. She is waving her hand like a magic wand, and I feel a protective light surrounding me. I feel warm under a blanket although my back still feels cold coming from a cold womb. I’m trying to calm down. All of a sudden I find myself in a second past life where I’m George Washington. The session continues and after George Washington dies, I rise as his soul and I find myself in Heaven with Marcia.