If you are trying to patch up your relationship you will stand a better chance of success if you find out what went wrong. The real reason is not the “final straw that broke the camel’s back“. No it is usually something much deeper than that and something that goes back a long way. If you want to patch up your relationship you need to do some self analysis. It’s not always comfortable to have to take a serious look at your own faults and shortcomings. It can be quite a humbling experience but it is a worthwhile exercise and you should discover a few things about yourself and your ex. This will help you to avoid the same mistake when you get a chance to patch up your relationship. You will find out if:
- You were to “blame” and you are either prepared to do something about it or you are not. Sometimes your perceived faults are “non-negotiable”. In other words they are a part of you and you are not prepared to compromise. You should not be expected to change your principles once you have considered all view points. An example of this may be religion. If you are devoutly religious and your ex will not accept this then there is little chance of your relationship ever working.
- Your Ex is or was at “fault”. Again you are either prepared to overlook the issue or not. If it is a “non-negotiable” from your ex’s view point and you cannot accept it then it is time to move on.
In determining the real reasons for the break up consider the five most common causes of couples breaking up. To patch up your relationship you will need to know if one of these applied to you. The following five issues (in no particular order) are the most commone causes of relationship break ups:
- Financial. This is a huge issue which raises its head at different times in a relationship and has been the cause of many a divorce. Interesting to note it also becomes the number one issue in a divorce or split. Who gets what? Who paid for this and who paid for that? How much will she receive as capital and how much as alimony? How much must he pay towards support? Where both of you are earning money you need to have a clear and mutual understanding and respect for each others financial contribution to the joint resources. What you agree to is entirely up to you but it is important that you agree from the very beginning on a mutually acceptable arrangement. It is no good complaining afterwards that one earned or spent more than the other.
- Trust. This probably falls more under communication than anything else. Do not mistrust your partner for no reason at all. Because you may have had a bad experience before, or know of someone else who has, doesn’t mean you should automatically mistrust those nearest to you. If you have concerns voice them and thrash them out until you both understand each other’s feelings. If you are trustworthy then you should have no reason to mistrust your partner. Some really nasty arguments can be started through misplaced assumptions. Equally a lot of arguments can be avoided by expressing your concerns.
- Sex. This is a really huge issue for many couples. It is ironic that there are so many jokes about sex. Many a true word spoken in jest. Be warned that for both men and women sex is important. Some people like sex on a daily basis while others are happy with less frequent exercise. And for the men reading this – sex to a lady is not just putting it in and simply enjoying yourself! She has feelings too. Romance and foreplay are a big part of a woman’s sexual satisfaction. If she is not getting this stimulation who can blame her for not wanting to lie back and simply be humped more than once a month? Talk to each other and explain what you like, dislike or what you are in the mood for at any particular time. Be aware if you are a “once a month” type and your partner is a twice a day type you are heading for trouble.
- Family and Background. So often relationships are built around flimsy structures. Cultural and family backgrounds are far more important than many people believe. The saying “blood is thicker than water” is so very true. A relationship has to be something unique to transcend cultural or family traditions.
- Communication. Already mentioned several times in this article. Mother Nature gave us two ears and one mouth. It is reasonable to surmise that we would be wise to use them in the same ratio. Listen to what your partner has to say. Think back to the things your ex was unhappy about. Did you listen? Did you hear what was said? When communicating don’t say one thing if you mean another. Men are notorious for taking things literally whereas women say NO when they mean YES and they say NO when they mean NO. This confuses men! Surely they should know that NO means YES or NO depending on the circumstances. Well ladies they don’t. Likewise women don’t always understand that NO from a man actually means NO and only NO exactly the same as YES means YES and only YES. Communication means getting into each others heads and understanding what is meant.
If you want to patch up your relationship it is important that you find out and understand what went wrong. Only once you have determined this and accepted the part that you played in it will you be able to patch up your relationship. On the other hand you may find that that it is time to move on, that nothing you can, or are prepared to, do will help you patch up your relationship. Either way you can move forward.